The other night I had a dream....

Now I am not one to have dreams or remember them well. I don't have dreams that seem to mean much. But I had this dream.

I don't remember how the dream began but it ended up with me driving my minivan into a lake in order to take a shortcut to where I was going (dreams don't always make perfect sense?!). I drove into the lake thinking I could easily get across but once I got in, I realized the water was choppy and deeper than I expected. I immediately tried to turn around but I had lost control of the van and was just floating in the water. I immediately started trying to open the van door but the pressure of the water was too great and my van was starting to sink. I looked around in the van, with this sense that I could not breathe. I looked back at the land where I drove into the lake wishing I could go back and make different choices so I did not end up in this predicament. Then it was silent for a moment, that moment when you decide if you are going to give in, pray and relax or if you are going to fight to live...

At that moment I woke up to Selina (who was in bed next to me) yelling out. I immediately forgot about the dream and started tending to her. She was trying to breathe but was gasping for air and struggling. She has been having trouble breathing at night since the first night I took custody of her. I have had her into the pediatrician numerous times. She has had about nine or ten upper respiratory infections since coming home and it was always thought that the difficulty breathing at night was due to these infections and if we cleared them up she would sleep better. She was on five medicines a day but nothing was helping her at night. I had taken her into the doctor a few days earlier and was finally referred to an ENT doctor and had an appointment in the next week.

Looking at her struggling though, I knew this was not normal and I was done. I got on the phone with the ENT office but they would not talk to me because they had not seen us yet. It was a weekend night and I knew the only way to get her help immediately was to take her to the ER so off the two of us went.

On the drive as the streets were quiet and we were alone, the dream suddenly came back to me and I cried. I cried because I could imagine how Selina feels as she sleeps. I decided the dream was more about her and not about me. I had to decide if I was going to go to the hospital and leave if they tried to send me home or if I was going to stay and fight for Selina to get the help that I was sure she needed.

I promised Selina that she would get help and I was not going to get yet another medicine. I would not give up until she had relief and could sleep better. It was good that I decided this as the next 24 hours would not be easy. I took video of her sleeping and gasping for air though and I knew that would help our cause because if she was awake when the doctor saw her, he would notice nothing- she is fine when she is awake.

So in the ER I sat for 4 hours and she fell asleep for the last two of them and was still sleeping when we were called back. They checked her and realized that her saturation levels which should be between 90 and 100 were going slightly lower (in the upper 80's). The ER doc decided to have her suctioned and try some nose drops... I thought, "here we go, another nasal remedy"

So they did the suction and gave her the nose drops. Selina hated being suctioned and she woke during the procedure and was now up for the day as it was 8am. They had us wait an hour in the waiting room again to see if the nose drops would work a miracle. When a nurse came to check on us, Selina was walking around talking and being the busy two year old she was. Here is our conversation...
Nurse: Oh, she looks really good, those nose drops must have worked. We will send you home with some.
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She is fine all day, the problem is when she sleeps at night.
Nurse: Has she slept in the last hour since getting the nose drops?
Me: No, we have been here seven hours now and it is morning. Plus the suctioning pretty much woke her up for the foreseeable future.
Nurse: Well, ENT doctors don't come to the ER so we can't do much more. You'll have to go home and schedule an appointment with one. (Note it is Sunday so this means another night of horrible sleeping and me begging an ENT to see me immediately on Monday which I knew would not happen)
Me: So are you telling me that after the doctor seeing a video of my two year old gasping for air while she sleeps, he is going to send me home with a fourth nasal drop?
Nurse: Um, well, I will check with the doctor and get back to you.

Forty-five minutes later we were informed that Selina would be admitted and would see an ENT later that day. (Prior to going to this hospital, I verified that this is where the ENT group I wanted to see worked out of and knew that a doctor that was recommended was on call.)

We were finally getting help...

So Selina who is fine all day proceeded to be herself that day and her nurse commented that "She is my healthiest patient" I knew he was wondering why we were there.

The ENT showed up later that day and it was apparent that he also was unsure about how Selina ended up being admitted as this is not how it is usually done. Most people coming in for "sleep apnea" symptoms go through their pediatricians, get ENT appointments and don't end up going into an emergency room one day because they decided that enough was enough. He glanced at her tonsils though, ordered an x-ray to see her adenoids and said we would talk the next morning. I knew he was annoyed I did not follow the usual procedures. So be it.

So then comes the night... Selina fell asleep and her oxygen saturation levels were being monitored. The first two hours she stayed in the nineties but about 2am, she started dropping into the 80's and then 70's (she would always go back up to the nineties after a few seconds). She was rolling around, trying to find a position to breathe better. I watched her with tears in my eyes knowing that if she was to get help, I had to let her do this and not elevate her head or help her find a better position to sleep in like I did at home- they had to see her struggle.

Selina's new night nurse was becoming more and more concerned. I told her that I had been getting the run around having to try all these meds for nine months and that I almost got sent home by the ER doctor and that the ENT acted like I was crazy. She said, "I will document this well, no child should be breathing like this. She needs oxygen"

Selina would not wear the oxygen mask. There was no getting it on her so I spent the next six hours laying next to her following her head with the oxygen as she moved around trying to find a position to sleep in in which she could get oxygen.

The next morning, things changed. Suddenly everyone I came into contact with was much nicer as they realized that we should be there and that I was not an overreacting mom. The ENT showed up and immediately announced that her adenoids and tonsils were enlarged and they would be removed that day (that was interesting as the day before he acted like he did not know if he would be the one operating or if he would send Selina home and schedule the operation for a week or two out).

As it turned out, Selina's wait was not long at all as six hours later she was in surgery.
Here she is right before being taken in the operating room.


After surgery the doctor told me that the blockage caused by Selina's tonsils and adenoids was pretty severe and had caused her body to hold much more carbon dioxide than normal. She would have to be in ICU that night and we were to expect it to be a hard night as kids are usually not better the first night. Her condition was further complicated by her age and the fact that they had to watch how much oxygen they gave her if she needed it because of her carbon dioxide levels. It did end up being a long night. She needed oxygen all night as her levels dipped down into the 60's without it. She was pretty sore from the surgery and so when she was awake, she was not happy. She did end up sleeping pretty hard- or was that me that slept hard after only 3 hours of sleep in the previous two days? Thankfully Selina did not move around as much and the ICU nurse was able to help move her oxygen mask when need be.

The next day the ENT said he was keeping her one more night to see if she would improve. He fully anticipated that she would and thankfully he was right. That second night after surgery, she slept beautifully with no oxygen. Her levels were between 98 and 100 all night long. She slept so quietly and peacefully. I was so relieved.

And so they let us come home first thing the next morning. Selina had a great day and is doing great with eating. I know she wants some of the foods she can't have yet but ice cream and popsicles are helping her through...


Last night, Selina slept peacefully and was so quiet that for the first time ever.

...So in that dream, given the option of fighting or giving up for me it was easy, I would always choose to fight. Today I am praising God for showing me how my daughter was struggling and for the ability to have been able to help her.