We are asked all the time, "How are the kids doing?" My response lately has been, that everyone is a little displaced and we are looking for our normal.
We are transitioning into a family of six. The kids are all trying to find their place. It is going better than we expected. It is just a tiring time as everyone needs mom and dad right now!
I have worked on this post for a few days, typing than erasing what I have typed. There is so much to share that I don't know where to start. I can't possibly get every thing down so I will share what I have time to get down in my next few posts.
What I can say is that this is a tiring time as anyone that has gone through adopting an older child when there are other children in the home can tell you. I am behind on lots of things because just functioning is harder than usual right now. TR and I are needed so much extra and going through the day is emotionally draining because it is so wonderful at times and so hard at times.
Like Selina did when she first came home, Kwame got overwhelmed easily the first month. He could go out on one trip a day it seems before he was done and wanted to go home and play soccer or ride his bike. So if it was a doctor day, we did that and planned for that to be our only outing. His brain is processing so much and observing so much, he just got tired quickly.
The way that Kwame reacts when he is overwhelmed is that he just closes down. He may get quiet or may cry and mumble to himself. He just seems to get uncomfortable in his own skin and will move around a lot.
When he does this, I can usually pick him up and rock him and talk to him for a bit and he usually calms down or if he is tired, he will eventually fall asleep. It is hard to see him get upset but I am thankful that I know when it is happening and he is allowing me to comfort him the majority of the time.
In comparison to Selina, he was much easier as at this point in transitioning than her as Selina was inconsolable. She kicked, hit and screamed loudly for up at an hour at a time. It took weeks before she would let us touch her when she was having a tantrum. It was hard as we felt so helpless but at least we can help Kwame now especially when he communicates what he needs or wants. I expected Kwame to get physical with us but he hasn't.
Then a couple of weeks ago, Kwame started testing us more. He would do something and then look at me with this look on his face that said, "What are you going to do about this?" Then if he got in trouble, he would melt down. Sometimes the meltdowns were his typical meltdowns but sometimes it seemed he almost faked a meltdown to try to avoid getting in trouble.
This testing is hard because I have to decide how to handle each situation. Do I respond in a more strict and firm way or in a more nurturing way? I had to make a call to try to figure out why he was doing what he was doing and then respond based on what I believed he was trying to achieve. If I felt he was testing me, I needed to be firm and let him know that behavior was unacceptable but if he just wanted attention or was truly confused, I needed to be understanding and let him know that he just needed to let me know he needed me. Sometimes I made the right call and sometimes I blew it- I feel bad when I blow it.
Thankfully this is all getting easier as we get to know Kwame better and he gets to know us. We are learning how to quickly help him when he starts to get in a funk and when he just needs to have time to grieve. His life is becoming more predictable and so he is feeling more comfortable with his routine.
He is really doing so well overall, much better than we expected. He is such a resilient child, he amazes us. He is definitely a mommy's boy and needs time to snuggle with mommy every day. He is such a cuddler, I love it! It really helps with the bonding that he wants to be held and rocked every day. His eye contact with us is getting better as at first, he barely looked at us when we were close to him or were talking to him. We have not pushed this a lot but are just giving it time and it is getting better all the time.
Kwame is a huge blessing to our family. I love watching the relationships between Kwame and each of his siblings. I am off for a few weeks for the holidays so I will look forward to taking some time and discussing his transition in more detail... Stay tuned I think I am back!LOL
5 comments:
Jenine,
Thank you for sharing!
It sounds as if you are doing an amazing job with Kwame.
I found parenting our adopted toddlers to be physically exhausting and adopting our older children to be emotionally exhausting. I remember that tiredness very well.
You are doing great!
I do remember the emotionally and exhausting time, but honestly it does get better. I remember thinking each week that went by was one step to being better. He will find his place and will love it. You are doing an awesome job and I am so excited he is finally home!
Oh, Jennine - I feel that same pain. There is just not enough of Mom and Dad to go around some days. My strategy is to care less about things - matching clothes, clean house, refereeing each and every argument - just a few of the things that have taken a backseat during the last year.
Hang in there - you're awesome and I wish I could be more like you!
We adopted two little brothers (ages 4 & 5) this year & your description of how your life is right now, sounds really familiar! I'm amazed though, at how much progress my little guys have made so quickly. It is VERY hard some times but also VERY worth it. I'm thankful for a great husband I can tag-team with too. Hang in there! Sounds like you are a great Mommy!
I just found your blog through another friends. I enjoyed reading it. We are in the process of adopting a boy from Ghana who is 5. The process is very slow but I think we are in the home stretch. I have been reading anything I can get my hands on about adopting older children. We have three children now 13,11 and 5. Our son from Ghana will only be 4 months younger than our youngest son. Thank you for letting me have a small glimpse of what we may expect.
Kristy
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