I want to stay later to help put her to bed but I have all these things I have to figure out in order to do so. I am here alone now so how late do I leave out the door by myself to walk to catch a cab to go back to my hotel? What is the latest I feel safe to do this on my own? I can only get dinner at Rye Manor until 7pm so if I stay I miss dinner. I only eat twice a day so I am hungry by 7pm. I don't want to go eat dinner before that as then I miss Selina eating and her bath and I help or do what whenever I can.
So here is my daughter who is does not fully understand she is my daughter and is struggling between wanting to be with me and wanting me to leave her alone and I make the decision to leave. I know she will be fine and will go to bed like she has done so every night since arriving at Eban House in January but she is my daughter. To just walk away hurts so much and doesn't feel right.
I know I will be taking her home soon and all that stuff I can tell myself but to have a daughter that is two and to leave her to go to bed without you is just getting harder now that she is beginning to trust me and love me more.
This is just hard sometimes and this was one of those nights....
5 comments:
Aah, man. Steve and I were just talking about how wonderful it is for you to get to stay, to build up that trust with Selina. We won't have that with Ishy and the kids. It is already killing us! I pray for wisdom for you in knowing what the balance between what Selina needs, and what you need is. How sweet that she misses you, though. Just precious!
God Bless You!
Heather
Sending you big hugs Jennine... there are so many challenges in this journey, but eventually Selina will be where she belongs, at home with you. :) Until then, may God bring you comfort and peace.
Fabu
Hang in there. This is hard for you but the day will come where you will leave Eban House and Selina will leave with you. Happy thoughts and hugs coming from Gilbert, Arizona! :0)
Chalene
Praying for you ... as these are very hard decisions to make.
Hang in there ... and know that we are walking each step of your journey with you, in prayer. I LOVE to read about all of the places we were just 2 short months ago.
Laurel :)
Thank you so much for your honest post. Things will get better and it sounds like you're doing a great job of slowly building up her trust and comfort. Hang in there! We can't wait to meet her when you get settled back in town.
Blessings,
Emily, (from the AZ transracial adoption group)
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